Deciphering Tweets about the Toronto Blue Jays: Mike Wilner

This didn't really work out like I thought it would. Next time I do this, I'm making sure completely read the tweet before making a video. I could have sworn it said something about AA dressed like a cowboy. 

Who said R.A. Dickey is going to be a Blue Jay?

So my weekend was kind of ruined by the fact that RA Dickey is apparently going to be a Toronto Blue Jay.

I seriously spent at least 8 hours watching Twitter, in a mall's food court, while pretending to Christmas shop, waiting for the allegedly immanent trade to become official.

Ironically, neither the trade nor my Christmas shopping is done.

It got me thinking, though. Who is telling Ken Rosenthal et al about these trades?

Is it someone from the Jays? If so, who? How close are they? Are they THIS close:

WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY: Identifying Don Fehr's Entourage

If you're anything like me, you've been tuning out the noise surrounding the NHL lockout since Jaymes Hall left the scene. And while this whole labour dispute fiasco has ensured I've lost any and all interest in the game* there is one thing that has been keeping me following.

It's this guy right here:

Seriously, who is this guy?

Gibbons vs. Lawrie: Chapter 1

There's been a lot of speculation surrounding how new Blue Jays manager John Gibbons will get along with 3rd baseman Brett Lawrie.

Both Gibbons and Lawrie are known for being temperamental, to say the least.

What really rubs me the wrong way is how so many Jays fans seem to be excited for the chance to see a player and manager square off. Look at the comments for any article about Gibbons as manager and at least one or two douche-bags are there, chirping about how they can't wait to see the two square off, as if it's inevitable.

Well I for one don't see that happening. In fact, I imagine their relationship will look more like this:

The Reason Toronto Sports Suck

It's been blamed on everything from fickle, fashion-conscious fans, to omnipresent corporate influence, but the recent dark period in Toronto sports is the fault of one man. Luckily for us, John Gibbons has returned to set this city right, and gosh-darn it, setting this city right is what he and Bruce Walton are going to do. Don't believe me?

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: John Gibbons gets the message that he's the new Blue Jays manager

I stumbled across this exclusive video of the phone call John Gibbons received, informing him that he was the successful candidate for the 2012 Blue Jays manager position.

I am a huge Gibbons fan, and can't wait to see him in his Jays K-way again.

Dear Jeremy Thompson, Eagerly Awaiting your Reply

So a few months ago I got an angry email from one Jeremy Thompson. 
He was kind of unhappy with the tone and content of my article outlining The Top 10 Canadian Television Shows of All Time
Here's what Jeremy had to say:

On Thu, May 31, 2012 at 5:29 PM, Jeremy Thompson wrote:

Who da fuck do you think you are? Just because you lives in Toronto doesn't give you the right to make fun of the rest of Canada. Most of us enjoy Flashpoint and many other Canadian TV productions. Oh, and This Hour Has 22 minutes has been on the air for almost 20 years and it's still on for a reason. Stop being a douchebag

5 Awesome Things about the 2012 Canadian National Exhibition

It's that time of year again. You can tell that summer is almost over because the CNE is here. 
So what works this year?
Here are the top 5 things at the 2012 Canadian National Exhibition:

1. Counterfeit Kids Toys

All the classic Care Bear characters: Cheer Bear, Tenderheart Bear, Hotaru Assassin Bear, Funshine Bear

Every couple of years there'll be a news story or two about how toy companies are angry with the unlicensed, brand-damaging, sweat-shop made prizes being handed out at various midway games.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Special Retro Edition

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the guy wearing a garbage bag and calling myself Robocop).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

For this installment, something special... RETRO BLUE JAYS SUPER FLASHBACK FRIDAY EDITION!

Todd Stottlemyre is Longshot

I don't know what is going on with Stottlemyre in this pic,
but dammit if it doesn't encapsulate his time with the Jays.

Longshot isn't the most well-known superhero.

But dammit he is the most Stottlemyrian.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Jose Bautista, Edwin Encaracion, John Farrell and Brett Lawrie

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the grown man dressed up like a god damn Pokemon.).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion, John Farrell & Brett Lawrie are The Fantastic Four.

Yeah, I know Lawrie's hair in this pic looks more like DC comic's Firestorm than Human Torch. Shut up, nerd. 

Jose Bautista is 100% Reed Richards a.k.a. Mr. Fantastic 

In fact now that I think about it, the moniker "Joey Bats" is getting a little tired. Toronto needs a new nickname for Bautista and Mr. Fantastic really fits.

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Colby Rasmus

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the fat dude dressed like Sailor Moon).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Colby Rasmus is Ghostrider

Mike Wilner: Tell me Colby, how has being transformed into a demon of vengeance affected your approach at the plate?
Colby Rasmus: Uhhhh... mumble... mumble... mumble

Their biographies are almost identical.
Ghost Rider is Johnny Blaze, a motorcycle daredevil who dies in a horrific stunt after selling his soul to

If Blue Jays were Superheroes: Ricky Romero

Toronto's half-assed answer to San Diego Comic Con is coming soon. The end of summer means sweaty cosplaying nerds from all around the Golden Horseshoe will soon gather to celebrate their pathetic, virginal-dork-ridden culture (I AM KIDDING. I'm going. I'll be the guy dressed up as Cloud Strife).

So in honor of "Fan Expo" lets look at the Blue Jays, if they were comic book characters.

Ricky Romero is The Green Lantern.



With the luck the Jays have had this year, this is the closest anyone will get to a World Series ring

If you asked me last year what comic book character best exemplifies Ricky Romero, I probably would have gone a different route.

David Cooper: Blue Jays Kingpin

So the other day I made a bit of a flip post about David Cooper being the next John Olerud.

I am now officially standing behind that.

For two reasons.

Firstly - Apparently I can't figure out how to get fan graphs to work. But I know my fucking statistics dammit.  Uhh... this chart below shows that at age 25 Cooper has a similar batting average to John Olerud...

Olerud was the king of hitting for average. (yeah, my chart is weak, but it's getting late and I just want to compare Cooper to Daredevil/Ben Affleck).

At the end of the day, I'm getting a 100% Olerudian vibe from Cooper.

For Real, David Cooper looks just like John Olerud

The only difference? 

Cooper's Dimples Above Replacement (DAR) is through the roof. 

Mesut Ozil looks exactly like Dr. Nick Riviera

Watching day two of the Euros, the fact that Mesut Ozil looks exactly like Dr. Nick Riviera became painfully obvious.

Bruce Walton - Philosopher

There are three immutable truths about Toronto Blue Jays Television Announcer Buck Martinez:

1. He has been responsible for fewer creepy old man memes than 1980's Blue Jays colour-man Fergie Oliver.

     2.  His pronunciation of the name "Encarnation" is unparalleled

     3.  Based on tonight's broadcast, he seems convinced Blue Jays pitching coach Bruce Walton is a    

          philosopher. Now I don't know Bruce Walton, but damn if he doesn't look like Socrates.... 

          Maybe Buck is right?

Mr. Belvedere Fun Kit

My birthday is coming up. Just sayin'.

In Defense of Vince Carter (or the top 3 dunks of all time, according to anyone BUT the Toronto media)

I've got this morning routine I go through, every morning.

I wake up at 5:45ish, I make some breakfast, and then I sit down, I turn on the T.V. and I flip back and forth between "19 Kids and Counting" and "Sportsdeskcentre".

So the other morning, in between the Duggar family singing their ridiculous birthday song and skydiving for Jesus, I flipped to Sportscentre and saw this:

Yeah, that was pretty good.

But lets face it, Blake Griffin is jumping over Kendrick Perkins, and Perkins' vertical-jump-ability is about 5 inches, maybe 5 & 1/2, on a good day.

It is an impressive replay dunk. Griffin is exuding that sense of purpose that every great dunk has (seriously, there just seems to be a singular sense of "this is going into the fucking net and nothing is going to stop me" surrounding every solid dunk shown on replay).

But I was curious....

It's one thing when Jay Onrait (a.k.a. Bell Media's attempt to create a Canadian Joel McHale; an attempt at which they succeeded but unfortunately have no idea how to capitalize on) calls a dunk kick-ass awesome, but another thing when my nardcore (wolfman was nardcore) NBA friends like it.

So I asked 4 separate NBA superfan friends of mine to name the 5 best dunks of all time.

And what came back surprised me.

None of the dunks belonged to V.C., to Vinsanity, to Air Canada...

And it got me thinking as to why.

How Alexander Ovechkin went from being awesome to being a douche, without really changing

The summer of 2011 was rightfully seen by many as the most tragic time in hockey's history.

Unfortunately, from about August 2011 onwards, it has been shaping up to be the most embarassing.

I've already said what I needed to say on the ludicrous tinkering proposed by the research and development camp, on the flavour-of-the-month coverage of concussions and head trauma, and most recently on Tim Thomas: Objectivist Asshole.

Some may say I'm intentionally baiting objectivists. Please don't accuse me of that until after you've read my upcoming post "Ayn Rand: Has the World Ever Seen a Bigger Fucking Cunt?" 

But the insanity that is this year in hockey isn't coming from Gary Bettman, or the media, or even a tea bagging partying goalie.

It's coming from a Russian - Alexander Ovechkin.

Hey Tim Thomas, Ayn Rand called, she thinks you're an asshole

When I first heard about Tim Thomas' decision to skip the Boston Bruins team visit to the Obama White House, I thought the same thing that every other self-styled-Canadian-twitterverse-dwelling- hockey pundit did.

"Tim Thomas," I thought, "while I enjoy your clutch playoff goaltending brilliance, you're clearly an asshole."

But no sooner had popular opinion settled on the idea of Thomas as Tea Party douchebag, than did a few reputable hockey and sports writers start criticising the general public for giving creedence to such ideas.

Trailer for Pittsburgh Penguins Movie

The other day I was going on about Sam Worthington's hair looking like Mario Lemieux's, and how Worthington should play Lemieux in the movie of the 1992 Pittsburgh Penguins.

That got me to thinking, so instead of watching The Help tonight, I went online and found this.

Awesome.

I LIVE BLOG THE LEAFS VS. CANADIENS OUTDOOR ALUMNI GAME

4:49 - The game hasn't started yet. I'm about ready to grab a Go Train to Hamilton... the Hammer... home of adequate and functional Ivor Wynn stadium; the facility that was not quite good enough for the Pan Am games.

I can't hide my disappointment that Aki Berg will not be playing with the Leafs alumni. Have I ever mentioned the time a friend saw him buying his own game-used sticks at the ACC?
True story. 

More to come.

Is the Movie "Man on a Ledge" a Mario Lemieux Bio-pic?

Holy crap, is it just me, or does Sam Worthington capture the subtle, understated essence of Mario Lemieux's hair, circa 1991?

The movie looks like a flaming turd, however I may watch it if, and only if this early 90s Pittsburgh Penguins vibe is carried throughout the movie, and Ed Harris rocks Jagr's haircut at least once in the film.

Who is the Best Resident and/or ex-Resident of Stratford, Ontario?

I don't know how to decide. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Who do you think is the best resident and/or ex-resident of Stratford, Ontario?
Why do you think they deserve the honour?
Am I just looking for excuses to mention Justin Bieber in a desperate attempt to drive traffic to my blog?
Sound off in the comments.

Is Anthopoulos' "Comfort" Turning the Jays into Meg Ryan?

People believe Alex Anthopoulos is making a lot of phone calls on behalf of the Toronto Blue Jays.
Unfortunately the way things have been going for the Jays he'd have better luck calling radio talk shows in search of a wife for Tom Hanks.  

Last year I set about trying to drum up interest in a tent-pole blockbuster about your 2011 Toronto Blue Jays.

At the time I pegged Terrence Malick to direct, thinking he’d be willing to change pace from his usual visually-stunning-but-boring-as-hell style to take on the Blue Jays tale. Early reports of Tree of Life being a massive turd made me think he’d want a change of pace.

Well apparently my sources were wrong, as Tree of Life is being ranked amongst the best movies of the year. I refuse to see it out of the fact I know it’s going to a narcoleptic’s wet dream (anyone familiar with Malick’s work who disagrees with me is a liar).

But that got me thinking: what if the Blue Jays story isn’t a sprawling epic?

What if it’s actually a romantic comedy?

Directed by Nora Ephron..

What do I mean?

Preview of CBC's Exciting Midseason Television Line-Up

So if you've read this blog before, you're probably aware of my opinion of Canadian television.

Long story short, there are three major problems with Canadian TV:

1. "Little-man syndrome" a.k.a. "Hey Canadian television viewers: look at us, look what we can do. We're as cool as U.S. network television, right? Please?"
2. Shoddy production values
3. Derivative concepts, plot lines, characters, etc...

So with that in mind, I'm going to take a look at three of the most exciting new or returning shows hitting Canadian airwaves this winter, thanks to the publicly funded CBC.